Monday, March 22, 2010

Embarrassing Admission

I've been dreading writing this entry. I'm embarrassed, disappointed, and upset. And yet, I promised to be honest, to write about the REAL life of a figure competitor. It's not all sunshine and lollipops, which equates to looking and feeling lean in the Figure world. No, it's not all good news, accomplishments, and celebrations. It's also setbacks, disappointments, and slip-ups.

Up until now, I've managed to successfully battle the post-contest blues and subsequent weight gain. I'm not saying it was easy to fight the cravings or to win the mental battle of reaching for foods because they're suddenly "options." I battled with myself nearly every day - obsessively checking to make sure my ab lines were still visible, mentally slapping my hand away from reaching for my favorite low carb protein bars (BNRG - Power Crunch. Buy them today!). But I was winning! I was ahead of the game! I was only 5 lbs up from my contest weight, which is actually much leaner than I've ever been at this point, and I was happy with how I looked and felt!

And then the pounds started to creep up ... slowly at first, just a pound or two at a time. I wrote it off to being a female, and tried not to focus on it or worry about it. And then Saturday arrived ... and with it, a feeding frenzy I'm embarrassed to even talk about. I looked pretty good on Saturday morning, albeit a little flat and watery. My weight was 107.5 lbs, which had been holding relatively steady all week long. I wanted to remain at about 105-106, so I wasn't too far off, and figured the water weight would be gone in a week. After cardio, I tore into the strawberry shortcake cookies Jerry and I had picked up the night before. Two cookies and several Reese's easter egg treats, and a half hour later, we were at Asahi - our favorite sushi place EVER. Up until about 3-4 weeks before the Arnold, Jerry and I would go to Asahi every Saturday around noon for their all-you-can-eat sushi bar. They have THE BEST sushi ever - hands down, no argument. They have all different, gourmet variations, none of which I can name. :) We both at A LOT, and waddled away with chubby tummies and smiles on our faces.

I then proceeded to eat the rest of the day. I had cereal, Girl Scout cookies, protein bars, and more Reese's. I just didn't stop. And in the evening, Jerry and I picked up a pizza and buffalo wings, and I proceeded to eat 2 wings and 3 slices of pizza. Talk about gluttony! That night, neither of us felt good, and we couldn't move.

There's absolutely no good reason or excuse for our behavior. It's not like we were starving on our diets; in fact, most of the time when I was shoveling food into my mouth, I wasn't even hungry! I just felt worse and worse!

And when I got the gym yesterday afternoon and stepped on the scale after training and cardio, the tear started to fall. 112 lbs. 112!! I haven't been that heavy for at least 2 months! :( We stuck to our diet plans yesterday, and started to feel better later in the day. I was so sad when I was trying to pick out work clothes last night. I didn't even want to attempt to try to fit into any of my smaller cute clothes. So I'm wearing a loose dress today and am comfortable.

Jerry and I are both completely back on track, and I've decided to forgo the Treat Meals this coming Saturday. Of course I say that now, but I may be singing a different tune by the end of the week. If I do have some treats, I've sworn to keep it under control. Nothing tastes as good as feeling lean. I think the thing that bothers me most is that my weight represents a lack of self-control. And for someone who prides herself on control and discipline, this is especially disappointing. This is not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last, I'm sure. So the only thing I can do now is to focus on moving forward, sticking to my diet (which is really easy to do right now! LOL), and training hard. As Jerry pointed out last night, the weight is all water, so at least it'll come off faster than if it were fat. We're guessing most of it will be gone by the end of the week, and I'll be feeling better.

So with this humbling admission, I'm admitting that I'm not perfect, I'm not always in control. But I DO have control over how I react to this setback, and what I do in the future to avoid it. I'm just finishing up my second meal of the day, and will focus on how good these walnuts taste! And I plan on  having a great training and cardio session tonight. Onward and upward!

1 comment:

  1. I'm outing myself as an "archive reader". But, this post really hits home. I am at my highest weight since having my daughter 2 years ago! I had lost the baby weight and then some...not now. I had a few too many protein bars just 'cause they were yummy, a few too many yogurt bowls with heavy-handed servings of natural pb... Honestly, the part that bothers me is that is DOES represent a lack of self-control. Thanks for the awesome posts!