Friday, April 23, 2010


Archive entry. Originally posted July 2009

You know they're out there ... in fact, they're everywhere! Some are very obvious, others wear masks that obscure their judging eyes and sharp fangs. If you compete, you've run into them. At the grocery store, behind the deli counter, in your office, in your home, at the bar, at restaurants. Who am I talking about? Haters!
People who don't understand and don't TRY to understand the bodybuilding/fitness lifestyle, and as such, feel it's their perogative to comment, remark, judge, make fun of, and laugh at you.

As I'm struggling with my off-season diet, I'm running into these people more and more. People who I thought were my friends, who supported me, who maybe didn't understand, but at least admired what I was doing. Those people who, 3 months ago, encouraged me to keep working hard now cheer and laugh when I eat a cookie (which is most definitely NOT on my diet!). They think it's a victory of sorts when I cave and give in to temptation. It's like they won - they cracked the Invinsible Kari Keenan! Three cheers for Kari getting fat, retaining water, battling reflux, and feeling like sh*t! Don't they understand that when I give in to temptation, I hate myself for it?! It's not a victory, not something to cheer about! It's me losing focus of my goal for a short time, and subsequently feeling sick physically and mentally. How is that a good thing?!

Yesterday there was the usual Friday BBQ at my work. I went over to have a plain burger with some pickles (loves me some pickles!). When I got there, however, I discovered the cookies ... my biggest weakness. So I gave in to the temptation and took a couple. When people saw I had cookies, their eyes bugged out and they all exclaimed, "YOU'RE gonna eat COOKIES?! Hooray! Good for you! You deserve it!"

Wait a minute! I "deserve" cookies?? I "deserve" to get fat? To feel sick? To feel disgusted with myself? I must've done something really bad to "deserve" cookies! But in their minds, the sugar was a reward for working so hard. Except ... in my mind, the reward for working so hard is to continue to stay lean and to look good! Not to completely mess up all my hard work!

I know their comments are based on jealousy, ignorance, and insecurity, but they still hurt nonetheless. How would they feel if I told them they're fat and there's no way in hell I'd want to look like them? I'll never say anything like that, because who am I to judge what others do, say, eat, or think? I just wish they'd keep their comments to themselves and not actively encourage me to fail.

I was talking with a friend tonight at the gym, and she told me that while she was staying at a world-renowned hospital, they kept feeding her chocolate cake and cookies! And when she tried to tell them she wanted healthy foods every few hours, they informed her that she didn't need to eat that way. What?! How can medical professionals not understand or support a clean diet?!

Speaking from my current experiences, it's really difficult to maintain a healthy, clean diet year-round without the support of others. I'm surrounded by people who think it's a tragedy that I pass up cake and pizza. They cheer when they see me eating M&M's (literally CHEER). They ask me when I get to "eat" again (as if I haven't been eating the last 6 months).

I wish I could say I'm strong enough to deal with these situations on my own ... but I'm not. I need the support of others to help me continue to resist temptations. It's a choice I have to make at least 10 times a day, and I always want to make the RIGHT choice - the HEALTHY choice. I don't want to cry to Jerry every night on the phone about how fat I am because I'm struggling with my diet. I wish I could be surrounded by people who understand my lifestyle and support my choices. Since that's not a possibility where I live, I need to continually remind myself of my goal and be honest with myself. It's a continual struggle, and I'm glad to be a part of several online communities - where I know I can find people who understand what I'm going through.


  1. Preach! I deal with that on a constant basis. They really get ticked when I call them a hater. But I really have to let them know that they are hurting my feelings just the same.

    Off season is the hardest when you get to relax a bit but attempt to stay within range. Girl, I feel your pain and thank you for posting. If you ever need to vent, holler!

  2. Hey I came over from FA where I am "lurker" :P

    Not a figure athlete, but fitness is my hobby, and I started a blog to deal with the emotional aspects of food and deprivation.

    While I admire your dedication and have only respect for your personal choices, can I just say as someone who will always be in recovery for Eating Disorders that "hating" yourself over food is not healthy, and not part of a healthy lifestyle.

    I agree that shit food makes one sick. I agree that fitness is a healthy choice, but I disagree that an extreme situation where such negative emotions are part of the equation is healthy.

    That is all. Love yourself, eat the damn cookie and move on :) Don't waste a second of your beautiful life hating yourself for anything, especialy "food" and "fat".