Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Food Obsession?

The other day, one of my friends asked Jerry why all of my Facebook statuses seem to revolve around food. Until she pointed that out, I hadn't realized just how much I think about food throughout the day. I'm either eating a meal, planning when my next meal is, packing my food for the day, cooking food, and lately, looking up contest prep recipes and drooling over cakes. I'm wondering if I'm becoming obsessed with food?

This one is my favorite. Doesn't even look like a cake!

I don't really like to think of myself as "obsessed" about anything, as it seems to be such an extreme way of thinking. I could just pass these thoughts off as end-of-contest-prep cravings, but when I really look deep inside myself, I start to see that it may be more than just that.

Contest prep gives me a structured diet and plan to follow, which provides a sense of comfort and stability that's important to me. After awhile, I start to chafe at the the limitations and restrictions. Sometimes I just want a damn piece of cake! But I know if I ate the piece of cake, the guilt would follow. Off season, there'd be less guilt, but I still feel like I'm letting myself down because I know the cake doesn't support my goals of staying fit, healthy, and lean.

As I've mentioned before, this is the leanest I've been this far out from a show. I love feeling good about myself, and knowing that I can wear anything in my closet and it'll look good on me. It's been so long since I've felt this good about myself, and I'm constantly amazed when clothes that are usually too small actually fit me now.

There are several drawbacks to being this lean, though. Namely, I feel like crap. I have a constant flow of caffeine to get me through the day, and I take slightly more than I should take of pre-workout supps to push through my workouts. Not good for the long term, that's for sure! I'm also pretty sure I now have a warped sense of how I think I should look off-season. There's no way I can or should maintain this leanness after the shows. It's not healthy, and it's not natural for my body (my body LOVES to store a layer of water and fat all over, evenly distributed, so I just look puffy all over instead of in one area :P). I know, just KNOW that I'm going to feel depressed when I gain even 5 lbs back after the show.

The capris I'm wearing today are saggy and almost hanging off my butt. I remember when I couldn't even get them past my knees last summer, much less squeeze my butt into them! I love knowing that I'm small enough to wear them now ... but at the same time, I know how horrible I'm going to feel when I'm at a healthy weight and can't fit into them. How messed up is that?!

This week, I got to add more food into my diet. Wait a minute ... I got food ADDED to my diet the week before a show? Yep. Cuz I was ready for the show last week, and my body is a fat-burning machine. So I'm getting enough food and staying full ... yet I'm still thinking about food and drooling over recipes and cakes on the internet. Why?

I've been dieting for 22 weeks ... and while I've gotten some treats, had some good food, and haven't been starving myself, I'm still very limited on food choices. And that's starting to get to me. I eat the same thing 5 times a day. Makes it very easy to predict how my body is going to respond, but is also very boring for me. And I think that's why I've been thinking about food so much. Because MY food bores me.

I only have one more week left, and then I'll be on stage and I'll know that all the "boring" food will have paid off. So I just need to tough it out until then, and satisfy my cravings by looking at pictures like this.


I'm looking forward to some treats after the show, all the while knowing that there's a high probability of me freaking out about gaining a couple much-needed pounds. Hopefully I can keep my head screwed on straight, and then stick to a good, healthy off-season plan ... maybe one that includes the occasional piece of cake!

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