Thursday, May 27, 2010

Temptations ... and Cheetos

As much as I'd like to hold myself up as a role model, and as much as I'd like to be perfect in everything I do (yes, I'm a perfectionist), I know those aren't reasonable nor realistic expectations of myself. I always want to be self-sufficient and independent. I don't want to need others for help or support, because I don't want to feel or be perceived as weak. But is needing others really a bad thing? Does it mean I'm weak? I'm usually the girl who silently scoffs when someone tells me to resist a tempting food. Why do I scoff? Because I don't need to be reminded to "stay strong" or "stay away from those cookies!"; there's no way in hell I'm going to touch anything not on my diet! But today, I needed that reminder ...

I'm back on my diet this week ... and have found myself struggling. No, I haven't eaten any cookies, but I've definitely been overdoing it on protein bars. My sugar cravings are intense, and I'm having a tough time staying focused on my goal. I know what my goal is (win my pro card at Team U in 6 weeks), I know what I need to do (stick to my diet), but for some reason, I'm still struggling.

Last night, I was battling some strong cravings. At one point, I actually opened the cupboard door and reached in for a Girl Scout cookie. Before I reached the box, though, I pulled my hand back, shut the door, and went to brush my teeth, thus ensuring I wouldn't eat anything more.

 My favorite Girl Scout cookie: Samoas

I was really surprised by my behavior, because when I diet, I'm 100% ON. Sure, I battle temptations, but the temptations are only thoughts in my head. I never even consider eating something not on my diet; I don't even make it an option. Sure, I stare at pictures of cakes, drool all over the cookies at the grocery store, and actually stick my head into the donut cabinet to inhale their sugary sweetness. But not once do I consider actually eating any of those foods until after my show. Remember? I don't need reminders to stay away from cookies.

So why would I consciously reach for a cookie when I'm following my diet??

I didn't even want to admit to Jerry what I'd almost done ... but I have this compelling force to be open about everything with him. I was embarrassed and felt weak when I told him. Thank goodness he doesn't judge me; he just helps me remain focused.

And I needed his support again today. For some reason, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I almost didn't have the mental strength to resist some crazy wild junk food cravings this afternoon.

As I sat at my desk, thoughts of junk food kept running through my head like a cross-country meet. They got so bad, I actually walked over to the candy machine and picked out something to buy (if you must know, it was Cheetos ... cuz they came in the biggest bag). I purposely didn't bring any money with me; I just wanted to check out the options.

And then I realized that I needed help and support. Like immediately. So I called Jerry, and he immediately offered to come by my office with sugar-free jell-o, in hopes that it would kill the sugar craving. After I thought about it a moment, I realized how ridiculous I was being. Srsly, what kind of future Figure pro can't control her cravings to the point where she has to have her boyfriend bring her sugar-free jell-o in the middle of the day?!
My sweet tooth fix

Today I feel weak. I feel like I'm just barely hanging on by a thread. I feel like if I were offered cake today, that I'd actually take a bite. It's at this point that I have to admit that I DO need others around me for support. Yes, I'm the one who's making the choice to diet, and I alone am responsible for my choices ... but a support team is so necessary to me at this point.

Would I actually have eaten the bag of Cheetos had I not called Jerry? I honestly don't know. I was thisclose to buying them. Why were these thoughts going through my head? Am I subconsciously self-sabotaging my chances at a pro card? I only have 6 short weeks to whip my water-bloated body into pro shape. Cheetos should be the furthest thing from my mind ... yet I can't seem to completely keep my focus lately. It's most likely a combination of a slight case of post-contest depression and out-of-whack female hormones ... a very bad, potentially destructive combination.

I need to keep telling myself that it's NOT weak to need others. That I CAN get through this. And I need to keep reminding myself that I CAN win a pro card ... and most importantly, that I deserve to win it. I need to believe in myself, in my potential, and in my strength to succeed.


  1. I think you said it all in your last paragraph! Maybe print that out, make several copies and post them around you as a constant reminder! You CAN do it! You WILL win your pro card! BELIEVE in the process and in YOURSELF!!

    Hormones are little controlling stinkers! Show them whose boss (and then cry a little about it!)! LOL!

  2. Um, I just licked clean a container of sugar free jell-o (I'm a card carrying member of the clean-plate club).

    Right before I got to that part of your post.

  3. I've been having a hard time with cravings too during this prep. I don't know what my problem is!?! I've been thinking about putting up pics of the figure pros that inspire me right on the cupboard doors that hold the goodies I so desperately have been trying to avoid!
    Good luck fighting those urges! You only have 6 more can do it!