Just when I was starting to feel better about myself ... thinking I was looking leaner and tighter ... I had to go shopping and try on clothes. Why do I do things to torture myself?! *banging head on keyboard
Even though we're both on a limited budget, Jerry and I decided to spend a rainy Sunday at the mall yesterday. We were both having a fabulous time until I decided to try some clothes on at Bebe and Arden B. And then the fun ended.
The sizes I normally wear either didn't fit or made me look like an overstuffed sausage a la Mariah Carey. At one point, I think I embarrassed Jerry when, after attempting to squeeze my thighs into a pencil shirt, Jerry asked if I wanted a bigger size and I shrieked (rather loudly), "NO! Are you suggesting I'm FAT?!" Then, momentarily blinded by tears, I ran back into the fitting room. Poor guy. Really, I feel bad. He was just trying to help. (I apologized to him a minute later.)
It was a real eye-opener to discover that even though I still have quad & ab lines, I'm still not wearing smaller sizes. I apparently put on some muscle this year, and while I'm the same weight I usually am off-season, I'm leaner than I've ever been. That should make me feel good ... and it does ... for the most part. But in a very female way, it's still depressing to be wearing larger clothes.
I worked hard for that muscle, and I realized I don't want to lose it. I was in limbo about whether or not I wanted to lose some muscle. I finally realized I don't want to lose the muscle; I just want to be leaner in the off-season. Although I don't know what that means for my competition career, I do know that it'll make me feel more at peace with myself.
So I hauled myself out of bed this morning and put in 30 minutes of intervals on the treadmill. I enjoyed some treats this weekend and am back to eating clean today. I'm looking forward to putting the weekend carbs to good use during Leg Day at the gym today!