But really, life isn't perfect. We are all flawed, vulnerable, and struggling with different things. So why not share those struggles, those less than perfect thoughts? Why not be more authentic?
I've discovered over the course of this blog that the most difficult posts to write are the ones that people seem to like the most. I get feedback that people identify with the same issues I have, that it's nice to know they're not alone in their feelings and thoughts. I think this is an important issue, and therefore, I'm going to make more of an effort to be authentic and open.
The Mental Battle
One of the things I've been struggling with for the past six years is maintaining a leaner weight off-season. Competitors joke all the time about "on-season" and "off-season" wardrobes: clothes in a range of sizes. Ever since my first competition, I've had two separate wardrobes. As I get leaner during prep, I start wearing my smaller clothes, and as I gain weight after a show, I start wearing my larger clothes (while holding back tears in the process). But you know what? I truly HATE the fact that I need to have larger clothes! Why? Because it means I didn't show enough discipline in my diet after the show. It means I shoveled food into my face with no regard for the consequences. It means I disappointed myself because my actions weren't congruent with my goals.
|Proof that you can't out-train a bad diet. June 16 and Aug 27.|
|More proof that diet is the key - not time in the gym. June 16 and Aug 27.|
This has to stop.
I don't yet know the reasons behind my actions. It's obvious that I'm fully capable of following a diet. But after the show, I don't want to "diet" anymore. I don't want to have to follow a "plan" anymore. While I don't strive to be "normal" by any means, I need a break from the structure and regiment of prep. But instead of taking baby steps, I swing in the complete opposite direction and find myself choosing M&M's over almonds and digging into the stash of Girl Scout cookies when I get home from the gym. My meals could be completely healthy all day ... until I get home and then dig to find non-healthy foods. Clearly, there's an issue or two here.
I don't yet have a solution, but I do have some steps I'm going to follow and some research I need to do. Even though this post has been very difficult to write (and even more difficult to publish), I feel it's an important topic to share. I'll keep you updated on my progress and journey of discovery.
Do you have two wardrobes in different sizes? Do you struggle with food choices off-season too? What methods have you found for coping with or combating the mental struggle with actions vs. goals?